The Chase

So...apparently, for guys, it's all about the chase.

I don't actually understand this concept, but hey, if I don't have to do anything...then that's amazing!

Amazing!

Makes my lazy heart sing with joy. I wonder what it's like to be chased after. I really wonder who is thinking about me.

I just assume if you like a guy, you should let him know. But then again, that's not really worked out for me in the past so perhaps try this, "don't do anything"...just accept compliments.

See the thing about people complimenting me, is that I just can't deal with compliments. I complain about people putting me down, but equally, I can't take compliments.

I always have to return the compliment. It just seems fair.

I guess this part of the recovering from dealing...with...you guessed it, my mother. Most of my relationships...are me taking the inferior, "I am so honored" to have you as a friend etc. etc. Because that's what it was like with my mother. Like I am not worthy of attention, because I was not worthy of her approval.

Which was always why I tried so hard to do everything to please her, because that, in some way, made me think that I would win her affection...approval...love. And I replicated that with many many people. I am only now coming to terms with this, and have rapidly readjusted friendships...so that's more of a balance.

After many years, and after many tears, I have come to realize that I will never be perfect. But then again, what is perfect? What exactly am I chasing after? Surely, I am fine just the way I am. Surely I have the right to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Surely, I have the right to find my own happiness. Surely...

I used to think that when people talked to me, they were just taking pity and doing me a favor. I know right? Pretty warped thinking.

Sigh. I am not angry with her anymore...I am just trying to build my own confidence. I can't blame her for anything, I should accept what is and move on.

Because. Because. Because.

I see so many people from different walks of life on a daily basis. Seriously. People who don't have the opportunities, the education...or the chances that I have gotten. I suppose this was what Mannequin was referring to back in October when he called me out on this very subject.

For that reason, I should try harder and chase after my goals. I have one life to live, what exactly do I have to do with all that time.

Seriously. I am secure in knowing what I want...and while I have always doubted myself and my abilities...and my confidence, I think today. I should just put all those fears aside, and just do it.

For the first time, I am chasing after my goals not for anyone else...but for myself. And that feeling is pretty damn amazing. It's daunting, because my failures are my own...but likewise, my successes are my own.

There is no point in thinking..."what if I fail?" "what if I don't make it?"

No. Just work and study like there's no tomorrow, and leave the rest to fate.

I never really bothered trying because I always thought I would fail. That fear of failure has stopped me from properly applying myself.

I have something to live for now. My own happiness.

Isn't that worth the chase?


Belle