In Better Spirits

My goodness, how things have a way of resolving themselves.

So this recent job rejection came as a major blow, but in a way, I am relieved.

These last few weeks have been really clearing, and my career goals have shifted significantly in the last few months. For a start, I want a career. A long prosperous one.

Forget the money. Forget the prestige. I just want to be challenged.

See the thing about markets, is that for the next two decades, I'll be doing the same thing over and over again.

With the recent interviews, I have learned where my strengths and weaknesses are. I'll speak more on this in the coming weeks, but for now, please note that my spirits are high. No meltdowns around the corner. I promise.

On love and romance. The Russian situation is resolved. I sent a brief message at the end of the year to clear my conscience. I told him exactly what I thought: I was hurt, but I am not anymore. I was angry, but I am not anymore. And with great subtlety, I was into you, but I am not anymore.

Are there any lingering feelings? Residuals will always exist, but it's important that I move on now. I made my peace, I said my thing, and I brought closure to an issue that should have been shut down tightly ages ago.

Of course he replies, directly apologizing and saying that he met another girl he thought he was in love with etc. and that he never meant to hurt me and that he was not a nice person.

I give him credit for apologizing. I give me credit for responding. I give him credit for recognizing how much of an asshole he was.

However, knowing that I was so easily substitutable just hurt. How can you fall in love with someone so easily? "I did like you, but I met what I thought was the love of my life."

Like how am I supposed to respond to that? Again I feel discarded. An apology would have sufficed, but details of who I "lost" too are unnecessary.

Anyway, I guess I boxing him in the "damned if he does, damned if he doesn't" category. A Catch 22 of sorts.

I just dont want to deal with this emotion. I am not sure what it is, but I just want it to go away.

I don't want to pursue anyone. Because it hurts when the pursuee falls for someone else and only gave you a glance because that person liked the attention. It's like he waited for someone better to come along and I was useless at the point.

Fair enough he moved to a new city. It's lonely being in a city without too many friends, let alone a new one. I can understand all that, but why tell me?

Sorry. I am belaboring, but it hurts knowing that I liked someone more than they liked me back. It's not enough.

My heart is bruised.


My mother.

In a ten minute conversation, I essentially summarized what I have said on here about her. About the way she handles criticism from me, and how I found it so frustrating that there was no point in me talking to her. She put down the phone, and the matter, as always, is buried. Well she knows now, it's up to her to deal with it. I have had enough.

As I said, I am starting the new year off with a clear conscience. I can't say I am over it, but I will definitely move on. I need to grow up and mature a little bit.

and I need to find a job.

In all of this I have learned one thing. As risk seeking as I am when it comes to matters of career, I am that risk averse when it comes to affairs of the heart.

What a balance.


in better spirits,
Belle