Awake and Breathing

Right.

It's been awhile.

I haven't had exams or anything.

I have been majorly networking. This involves going to bank events, panels, debates, informational sessions...the like.

All in the hope of getting more information and trying to push through my application as far as I possibly can.

This resulted...in one application getting as far as final round interview. Next Monday. Already had one last month, and I am...

(a) excited
(b) scared
(c) nervous
(d) thrilled
(e) and them some.

To be honest, I am not sure what to think anymore. I am tired and emotionally exhausted. Last weekend, I spent the entire Saturday in bed and literally felt anvil on my heart...everything seemed hopeless.

Waking up in the mornings is the hardest thing to do. I don't know how many applications I have sent, and how many rejections I have received. But I am here.

Barely alive and always hungry.

I was reading through my posts I have written since my arrival in London and I can't believe how much I have changed.

The Russian...I can't believe I gave him so much importance. I saw him again at a party last month but ignored him. Of course, he goes and invites me to his birthday party...which is today, but I am not going. I have no money. It's embarrassing to meeting people and say that I am unemployed. But most importantly, I am over you and I don't want anything to do with you.

Is what I want to say. I still think of him occasionally, but I have so many other things going on, I just can't be bothered anymore. I still get excited seeing him, but then I am like...I don't want to talk to you. Never ending saga.

Much has happened since I wrote last. Remember Mannequin? The friend from my alma mater who started being really mean this time last year? The one who I avoided this whole year. So in October he invites me to MagsBags surprise birthday party to which I promptly decline. Of course, he basically lambasts me for ignoring him and having "ill founded grievances".

With the year I have had, I think I became stronger. I refuse to take crap from anyone anymore. I wanted to be treated with respect. So I sent a very long message essentially saying everything I wrote about on this blog about him. All done with class and maturity. He then sends back yet another harsh message. Loads of fancy words which all amounted to fluff. Not much of an argument on his end because even he realizes where I am coming from. So I send one back...harsher, but still with grace/maturity. And that was that.

And that was that. I am on talking terms with MagsBags...but distance. Distance Distance Distance.

That took a lot out of me. It's one after the other, but I still wake up in the mornings.

And now...I have this interview on Monday. I didn't know how much I wanted this job until I started thinking how I would react if I didn't get it.

Weight. Up and Down. I haven't been going to the gym as aggressively as I should, but I still look fine. Haven't been eating much though.

Not sure if it's the stress...but I can't hold food down anymore. I am always tense and on the edge.

But I am keeping my head up. I have to. The downside is too dark to contemplate.


That's it for now, but there's plenty more in the next week. Thank you for your continued interest in my blog dear readers. I have no one to talk to. I am alone and I am going through one of the toughest, if not the toughest, trial of my life thus far. I can't burden any of my friends with my problems and I can't put this on my parents. They will worry unnecessarily.

It's probably why I am still writing. It's just nice knowing that someone is reading this and commenting and well...cheering me on. I need support as much as I deny myself that luxury. The comments you folks write really do make me smile.

I keep asking myself if I have the strength to continue. But I just don't have a choice. I know what I want and I need to get it. This is a rough patch...and it will end. Hopefully.


Belle