Lost and Confused

You girls are so sweet, I'm not sure I even deserve your support.

It's fucking depressing at my end. It really is.

I took tests for bank of america, credit suisse, deutsche bank, and now...morgan stanley.

I am not sure what to do anymore.

Firstly, let's start with where I want to go.

In investment banking, there's two sides.

Side 1: Corporate Advisory. This is where bankers advise on how money should be raised to finance companies like Intel, Exxon-Mobil etc. It's called capital structuring. You can either do it through raising debt or through issuing equity (you buy portions of the company called "stocks" or "shares", where the company gets your money; in return you get ownership of this company- sometimes you get payments called dividends, but most of the time, the value of your stock depends on how well the company performs). It would be easier if you can use your own revenues, but when those aren't enough to take on large projects that would increase revenues in the future...well you go through debt/equity. So bankers, advise on how to do this. Another part of advisory is handling mergers and acquisitions- basically when companies want to join together, or when you want to buy another firm outright, or when you want to let go of a firm (divesting) etc. they seek bankers help because bankers can forecast the value of the merger/acquisition.


Side 2: Market Finance a.k.a global markets. This is buying and selling stocks or debt or foreign exchange currencies or commodities (oil, gas, soy beans, wheat, cocoa). This is where the term "buy low sell high" most applies as you make profit of the spread ((high-low) times quantity of money invested = profit (hopefully)). Trading is amazing. It's fast-paced, dynamic...and more importantly, it's fun to watch for areas where you can make money for yourself, the bank that employs you, and for people you are investing on behalf of. This requires constant vigilance on how news...any news really- politics, inflation, interest rates as these can affect how people buy and sell therein either increasing or decreasing the price of the product that's traded.

At least this is how I understand this.


So guess which I side I want to go into? Side 2.


Mostly male dominated as it requires really really good math skills. Which is why banks ask you to take numerical tests at the first stage of the application process.


It's here where I just completely utterly get demolished. I hate tests. I really do. I can do interviews, I can do real world, I just can't do tests.


So far, I have applied to several banks. Goldman Sachs has not replied. Nomura and Citi haven't replied either.

Credit Suisse, Deutsche Bank, Bank of America...I took tests for them, but haven't heard back.

UBS and Barclays Capital- took tests, but outright rejection with 24 hours.

Societe Generale (SocGen) and HSBC- rejection within 24 hours.


I have an undergraduate degree from a really good school in economics. I have a masters degree in a specialized finance subject from an even better school. I have a personality. I am funny. I have interests in art. I am intelligent. I am nice. I cope well with stress.


And yet. here I am. Rejected because God Forbid, I would lose thousands of dollars simply because I can't do these tests.


And then everyone says...well you have the academic background so you should do well.

why yes, i do have the academic background. well spotted.


so i don't know anymore. I am just really disappointed, and just frustrated. irritated. because i finally know where I want to go, but am doubting my abilities. once again.


it just seems so much easier for everyone else.

everyone else has smart guys writing their tests for them. i don't. i am actually doing these by myself, but maybe I should cheat to get ahead?

everyone else has someone to support them. boyfriends, girlfriends, parents etc.


my parents say they are supportive, but with an ocean separating us...really, that doesn't count for much. and they will stress more than i do, which will make me stress unnecessarily.


the only emails in my inbox are rejections or expired requests to take the tests. which i have already taken.


i just dont know anymore. what is my education worth? what is my one page CV worth? what are the hours spent starving to maintain skinniness whilst studying for tough quant subjects worth? what is this all worth?


you mentioned how this all seems complicated/complex. it's really not. believe me. twenty years ago, any girl/guy could go and trade. meaning people like you and me would not have needed degrees to do this. today, with systems making it more complex they need quants (quantitative minded people) working these tables, but experience over the last two years would suggest that even these guys got it wrong. way wrong.


this is turning into a nightmare. a living, breathing nightmare. i just dont know where to go from here. i really dont.


i pray everyday. i really do. because i have this vision of where i want to be, but i just cant seem to catch a break.

this year, i feel like my life is in havoc. every facet of my life...career, education, love life, family, friends...they have all just plummeted. i mean you all have read my posts since january. it's been non stop and it should make me more resilient but how much can the heart handle? just how much?

if there is one area of success i want, it's definitely in career. i just dont know anymore kids, i really don't.


belle