Dilemmas, Dilemmas

So. I am at an interesting cross roads.

Weight. or Career?

To a normal person, this wouldn't even be a question to ponder over...let alone waste hours on end wondering if it's worth sacrificing weight for career...but for belle svelte, it's a question that needs to be faced full on.

Should I pick career, I need to start eating more. There is just no way, no way I can maintain starvation/obsessive gym habits and have the energy to THINK whilst practicing for those numerical tests. I know you guys know that feeling of breathing in air to trick the tummy into feeling fuller, but let me tell you...5:30-6ish in the library, my head starts hurting and I just can't think. I can't think. I can't understand simple problems...it's just. fruitless. I need to think. I need to analyze. I need energy.

I just can't do it anymore. I guess...yet again, I am giving up.

I am happy with my body? No. I doubt that will ever happen. Ever.

Will I start eating crap food? oh fuck no. I am sticking to spinach, edamame, beans...fruit etc. This is my lifestyle. Natural foods.

I ate cereal today. Seeing as it's saturday, and my legs are absolutely screaming in pain (major major gym sesh yesterday. burned only 600 cals but lord, 50 lunges AND squats...EACH). what cereal? Krave...man I feel sick. never doing that again.

Will I stop blogging? No. But the momentum has shifted over the course of two years...I think this is more of a diary about my life, my struggle with weight and food, and the ways I circumvent suspicion...and ofcourse, bitching about every one. the latter being my favorite.

But I need to start eating more. and I am shit scared about the weight gain. still contemplating to bread it or not. i mean, i eat couscous more often than not...and beans are carbs...

So I guess I will forever be teetering on size 4 to 6...

sad day indeed.

belle