Clouds of Doubt

7.

Bottles of wine consumed hier soir with seven people.

That's a bottle each.

I was fucked off my face, stumbled my way out of St. Johns Wood, and to put a pretty cherry on top of this wonderful cocktail...

I actually got into a minor "debate" with the cabby about the legitamacy of the Cypriatic independence. Hence the tipping. Nice chap that one, but sir, walls may be broken but animosity still exists.

So yea. Dinner at Sofra, drinks at chez Mrs. Spontaneous'...with bulldog, k-san, and surprise surprise, Adonis.

Yup, Adonis. To my new readers, check the Sept/Oct posts...he was my first crush after returning to London only to be disgusted by his choice in woman. Actually, I went to HIS party Sunday evening where I met his cute cute german friend, Mr. AM. Another drunken evening where I proceeded to misplace my favorite ring that I bought when I was in Adonis' hometown a couple years ago. Okay screw it. I was in Prague. Vintage ring. It's kinda my thing.

Anyway. Over the last couple weeks, it seems like things between Adonis and I have gotten to a chummy chum chum state. Platonic ofcourse, but the man is right royal MALE. Cars, girls, booze....with a touch of European pizzazz finished off with French classiness. You'd think he was a sleazeball, but actually, quite the contrary. Family man. Off every weekend to some family event or wedding or whatever. Anyway.

He's working front office...fixed income sales at a major investment bank. I am envious...trading floor, all the energy, excitement...but then when you hear the guy speak of his wine import/export business and his transatlantic adventures (nay mishaps is more like it), it makes me wonder. What the hell have I been doing with my life? Makes me feel like I haven't lived. at all.

So last night was his night. Settling miscommunications at dinner, negotiating for better bottles of wine at cheaper prices, waxing nostalgic about his business dealings with czech politicians...all in all he is the big man. and was supposed to bring Mr. AM to the soiree but apparently mergers and acquisitions is already taking its toll. the guy has homework. and then i realized something.

Mr. AM will have no time for a social life. These guys go 30-72 hrs at a time during major deals which happens more often than one likes to admit. They have BEDS at these places for mini naps.

I pick them well don't I?

i wish my life was cooler. i wish i had something speak for. i wish to not be so boring. i wish...to have the thrill that Adonis is having. you can hear it in his voice. the confidence of knowing that he has entered a top job at a top bank. it's like getting into the ivy league. just once, i want to know what it feels like to get into something you've always wanted. what's it like to achieve your goals?

And then you hear stories of russians helping each other get interviews at major investment banks. used to be one of the Russian's ex from cambridge. anyway. she studied LANGUAGES and gets into proper Ibanking through connections. how. how. HOW?

Let's just say that I am irritated. I am properly applying, redoing that resume, getting in touch with profs, industry professionals in energy trading all the while praying my ass off asking god to somehow get me out of this funk.

when everyone is working and you're still dancing with unemployment...

it's just not poetic. it's pathetic.

and then I applied for this fund management position in Zurich. i would have to assuage the egos of UHNW. don't get the acrnoym? ULTRA high net worth individuals. apparently, being high is not enough, adding ultra just makes it that much more accessible. haha. anyway.it smells fishy. why? because there's a stench of escort-ism in the air.

but anyway. more meetings with academics discussing energy market dynamics...pure theoreticals this friday. monday, meeting with a carbon guy with commodities market experience of read...20 years. fuck me. i got to him through a visiting lecturer who wrote the exam question i liked answering so very much. he invited me to discuss how energy trading works...because apparently...

emails are enough to answer all my questions, diagrams charts and PIXIE DUST will only begin to color the oil...painting. pardon the pun. oh man. energy.

it's not like fixed income (bonds) or equity (companies) where items traded are intangible. commodities...nay energy is essentially bartering physical assets. sugar. steel. iron. minerals. and my favorite. energy. and not just bartering, figuring out delivery/storage. trading, macroeconomics AND supply chain management knowledge. shit monkeys. falling in love.

actually. there are so many skills sets needed. knowledge of the product- chemistry background. knowledge of the markets. industrial economics for competitive behavior. macroeconomics to check for systemic risk/linkages between countries. and dear LORD awhole HOST more things.

oh man. oh man. oh man.

energy. trading. is. the. new. black.

also. food. haven't eaten much. surviving on two meals a day. around 500 cals for lunch, 2 cups of coffee in the morning, and a small salad at night. with another coffee in between. all in all a little less than 1000 calories.

i find that on days i don't go to the gym, i can eat less and get away with it. on days i do go, sadly i have to eat a bit more so that i can actually you know...READ. but yea, gradually decreasing food. starting with breakfast. no more mochas just plain coffee with 1/2 tsp of sugar.

upping cal burn at the gym to 650 cardio with around 200 stretches.

i think my body's adjusted to this. hence why i don't lose weight anymore. FUCKKKKKK.

on grades. adonis has similar grades in shared classes. but Prince Akeem, who is set on world domination, has an ego that puts the size of my ass to shame (well, i suppose it's nice knowing that something else is larger than my ass...it's all relative)...has three top marks so far. i am walking away with barely passable grades (if you can even call them that really), and him and his complicated "friend" have merits and distinctions. comrade didn't bother trying but still managed merits. where i got passes, he got merits.

fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.

fuck.

useless.

prince akeem has the job i want. trading. at one of the best banks in the world.

there are HARDLY any female traders. at most sales, but rarely do you see the XX genese in trading.

i have doubts.

will i get what i want?

belle