Stray Kitty

Okay, yesterday was only the appetizer. Today's the main course. Yea, take that for size my food hating dainty little munchkins. It better be enough to fill your teeny tiny tummies.

Anyway. I think I have my groove back after months of lulling about life dealing with la mere, le crazy german, et le stupid russian. This week, I've tasted sunshine and boy was it rejuvenating. Thirst quenching. As thirst quenching liquid hot molten lava can get. Ha Ha Ha.

My flatmate and I are in a tense, cold war situation at the mo. I dropped the ball on cleaning, and apparently, I shut my door too loudly at night. It's exams, we're stressed. Apparently, she doesn't stress and she doesn't suddenly inherit a selfish attitude towards life...which is why when she wanted the flat clean on her terms, when she wasn't busy after nearly two weeks of doing nothing, I had to suddenly drop my books, clear my tables to acquiesce her request.

So I didn't do anything. When she's busy, the flat is goes from super clean to clean and back to super clean as I realize, she's busy and I have time so I can chip in. But when she's not busy, and I'm busy, I have to suddenly live by her schedule.

So I didn't do anything when she asked me last Sunday. Thursday morning, day before my exam, she calls me self centered for not obeying her order. Does anyone else see a paradox here or is that just me? Yea, that's what I thought. So I told her I could clean...albeit on my schedule, and that she needs to deal with it. I don't know what's made me more mad....the fact that she thinks I don't do anything, or that I don't live by her schedule, or that she decided to call me out the day before my toughest exam...knowing that I had a tough exam. Telling someone that they don't clean is one thing, telling someone they are self centered...entirely different story.

I am having a chat with her when exams are over. That really pushed the line for me.

Okay, in other news.

Carbon finance. One of the questions I had to speed write, like so fast that I could feel my wrists getting tinier, dealt with emissions reduction regulation and the corresponding affects on asset prices. To keep this simple, it's connecting various emissions credit schemes and seeing how that might change in the future, taking future benefits/alternative energy sources into account and discounting all of that...to represent future costs/benefits in present values (the only way to compare things really)...and then evaluating those on business strategy, and how that might reflect on share price...and as added bonus, what would I do as a trader? go long? short? construct a hedged portfolio?

yea. sorry. my tid bit of four weeks of non stopping studying. okay nonstop with stress relieving dance parties in my room and steaming hot fantasies...about the russian. who else? those need to stop. now.

anyway, point is...corporate finance/m&a sector is not really hiring, so i maybe venturing into market finance with specialization in carbon markets.

i told this to comrade. just to throw a bone and see what he says. nothing. a couple days after i mentioned this, he said he found the "perfect job"....akin to doing middle/back office work at a british fashion house. now i like fashion, clothes, pretty shoes and earrings. i also like power suits, clickety stilettos, and leather whips to bring them boys in line. basically, i can handle the boys world. girls are bitchier anyway.

so why did he suggest this? my guess, especially from the way he treats his girlfriend, is that it's male ego. ever present, age old, male domination sensation that one gets in his pants. in that swift moment, i knew he thought I was becoming too ambitious . so what? look, i'm not in this for money or power anymore...that gets you somewhere tomorrow, but I want something that will satisfy my intellectual hunger. so i don't have balls...it's not like i cant get some. geez, i think i have more than most men in this world given what i've had to stomach over the last decade.

ugh. men. either step aside or become collateral damage.

i guess i am really tired of people holding me back. parents, family, "friends" (cough mannequin, whom i have spoken to in well over 5 five months).

ever since i've written off la mere from my life, maintaining a physical and mental distance from that cesspool of hate and envy, I've had time to learn about myself.

here's what I have so far.


I've hated myself for a very long time. I probably will continue to do so, but I know when people look at me...they think I'm fun. smart. pretty. attractive. loveable. i am many awful things as well...like how i hide in my tortoise shell and scheme/seethe in anger plotting my next resurgence...which is what is happening now. my lack of sociability-ness in the last term has signalled my "serious" factor...and that has left people like annoying judgemental asian and prince akeem stunned. apparently, prince akeem goes around telling everyone about his future plans of world domination (seriously, no joke on this one!) without having actually returned to his homeland in well over five years. he does this with everyone...except for me. the buck stops at me apparently. why? because he knows i see through his insecurities like a two way mirror.

anyway. back to the point. i've gone through...kind of a internal metamorphosis in the last half year. perspectives have definitely changed. working my on self esteem, confidence, self respect...and realizing that while i am a cool person. i have my head on straight and only ask for respect/kindness in return. if i don't get it, i'm moving on. hence why I fantasize about the russian so much. yea, i'm a work in progress.

my attitude towards food has become...well...just eat salads, and if you must have chocolate, eat the purest/freshest underlying and subsequent derivatives...no preservatives whatsoever. ruling it out makes for interesting binge episodes.

essentialy. coffee, tea and spinach are the order of the day. a few seeds, avocados on occasion, cherry tomatoes, some (2-3) potato chips for crunch...and there you have it. my daily meal plan. so much so when i eat real food with friends...i actually have to come home to sleep it off. it's too much. 400+ calories in one sitting might as well be thanksgiving dinner. i am out like a baby for atleast 2 hours.

i honestly 't know how much i'm consuming and my stomach seems to get full faster than ever before...like that uncomfortable, oh my god roll me down the hill kind of fullness. disgusting. and it happens when i have carbs. yea, carbs suck. they make you sleepy.


one more exam. just one more. and then i'll splurge on career in more detail and how much...new alliances are helping me out with my um, future plans.


i don't have a single penny to my name. just 45 grand in student loans, an enviable wardrobe, some dry wit and sweet charm...

and an idea that's all my own.

my thoughts. my dreams...my life. it's all mine. i have full ownership of it.

how...thrilling! with the future riddled with uncertainty, i'm jumping off the cliff. i can't stay on the edge, waiting for that wind to push me off, i might as well just go on and take a giant leap of faith. after years of observing two varied cultures...trying to reconcile the growing duality, i am giving up to find myself. who cares anymore? i am of no culture and of no country. i am ****a, and i want to live my life on my own terms.


the worlds turning my friends...so better grab that bike and go against the wind!

makes for a crazy head spin don't you think?


belle svelte